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HIM
aaron
23jan89
eighteen18
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Sunday, July 27, 2008
11:12 pm

http://itspayday.livejournal.com !



time fr some change!





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Tuesday, July 22, 2008
9:13 pm

HEARTS IS THE NEW BRIDGE. okok enough of cards. burn.





i like to gossip lately, its such an amazing trend i hardly follow actually, maybe bitching is more ideal, guys bitch, yes yes, influence of some really bitchy people =)


there are several bitchings i shall make today. i mean, im in such a bitching mood, i guess i'll get a really high number of hits after this, especially from school =) bitch together okay? lets bitch yay!

1.) gonna bitch about this really awful stomachache i got, annoying, must be that oyster sauce in the chicken, allergy. ANNOYING. ANNOYING, jus like the next 2 bitches.
2.) i detest the sight of fair fat bitches. fair and fat? they jus rhyme so they go together supposedly. it makes me wonder to myself, how they exist. sometimes they just get into your sight, undeniably big difficult to miss. attraction comes in different forms, be appreciative okay? like my geepee teacher. she is so high class and affording those HIGH class stuff, well, everyone DETEST and hates her. but i suppose it is totally alright, high class people means high class expectations which will lead to high class demand that normally such not so high class people can accomodate and satisfy with. of course, u get HIGH CLASS disappointments. awwwwwww. i would really love such arrogance that goes around, it makes everything so much more exciting and heh, higher class. condemn somemore, give that reallly awful look, twitch of an eye or jus a long stare, maybe a high class statement, or jus stick to reality, no one gives a fuck about u. understand? it'll be greatly appreciated. =)
3.) some people are jus so ugly la, i mean, FUGLY. to the MAX. such a small face, i praise the lord for his miracles being able to supply a really small face with the basic necessities such as an eye, a nose, 2 ears and a really big mouth, unfortunately, a retardedly small brain. how unfortunate again. throwing insults can be great fun. because i believe it gets most of one's relentless amount of anger and frustration out and running. pushing the blame, putting a blame, and lying of a blame to somoene can be such of convenience, perharps, thats how some people work.
4.) desperate measures are taken to protect oneself, that goes for everyone, especially for purposes that relates to matters of the heart, soul and body alike. the mind works hard, passion comes from the heart, conscience from the soul and limits from the physical aspect of every human being. some people have their mind over body, but losing themselves in the process, conscience stricken actions that they do not know will cause much devastating effects, i believe i myself am a victim of such sins. what i do not realise that people i know are doing so much worse. a sin i shall be contented with, repentence will mark forgiveness, however habit does not.
5.) I LOST MY WATER BOTTLE. maybe someone so fucking fat sat on it =(
6.) history is really bitching, totally, i would spend eternity on it and the grades will stay so stagnent. AWWW once again. work harder la. dumbfuck.
7.) time is running out, i really need a holiday, (didnt i jus have one?) OH YES. maybe a holiday would really (lessen) the stress and burden upon me.... i think i should stop whining. OK I SHALL WORK INSTEAD.
8.) LASTLY got this freaking BIG BITCHING CAMP coming up ahead. =( its soooo annoying, =( but i guess i'll go. such a test of faith lor.



well well well. heading down to my books and some chocolate. immerse myself in music and shut the devils out. i need that A and i need the good grades and i need the time to do so and i need more holidays to relax and i need less sight of really fucked up people that i dont like as they are so fucked up and bitchy that wooooooo, one of a kind. they are unique people, spicing the day up, posing up to provide funny posts like this and naturally, brings about more bitching to come. gossips gossips piss piss, im looking forward to more news.

pardon my spelling errors, be happy to bitch about it. =D

i never liked u since last year. awwww so sad, now, high class people dont buy fake goods dont they? maybe i should start bitching about this. nahs, i save it for another time. bitch out =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, July 21, 2008
12:09 am

hoho, i jus found out something n someone has mistakenly gt me involve =)


yixuan time to eat ur words =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, July 17, 2008
7:00 pm

god gave me a strength, well of course, its really great!
god gave me a gift, well of course, its fantastic!
god gave me a sign, well of course, i followed it!


we see the the treasures we receive everyday, hoping that one day, when we die, we dont go to hell. eventually, it becomes embedded into us that we looked at it from another perspective.


we are born to sing priases to his name,
yet we curse and swore grittingly.
we are born to play the heavenly music,
yet we destroy what worth we see before our eyes.

carry on the slavery we debt ourselves in,
material happiness and blinded aims.
but true joy manifest itself in pure sorrow,
to store our thoughts within those tears.

peace peace peace,
laughter with some insanity.
we ruin the lives of others,
so we proclaim satifaction.

we do not carry the heavenly oath,
and we slave for the mighty rich.
never will we pay the price,
because? we are jus too self centred.





thank god for this early dismissal. the pain buzzes in my head, rolling and rolling and rolling, over and over again. quit it quit it quit it. i hate ambitions that i hold, it jus kills character. it makes me so weak, enslaved yet to another personality that i dont seem to understand. freedom of choices became wild experimentations i could never comprehend. so tell me, what is my message this time god? to do nothing? to hold back and to tell myself, my time is over?

im destined for a greater glory, a glory of nothingness, or senseless achievements, till i continue the pray that i left off and tell myself, not to fall again.

sweet grades, i cant go anywhere, ohwells. study study study, and not get distracted.

and for those i meant to say. sorry is the word. sorry.





sometimes i wonder, what good it brings to put someone before one self. maybe it leads to a little lunatic and foolish actions, well, isnt self sacrifice destructive?





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Saturday, July 12, 2008
11:12 pm

ohhh ohhh my. what a way to see people with such attitude, i mean. ure fat, spoilt and really really snob. try harder sometimes, i rather timidness than those really LOUD words u use, i cant believe it. u dont need to say it, intention...? i jus love those "far sighted yet myopic views of urs. =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, July 10, 2008
12:59 am

God,

grant me a heart of stone,
grant me the numbness in the veins,
grant me feelings that wont last,
grant me jealousy to kill,
grant me fervour for blood,
grant me mouth to lie,
grant me the guts to slit,
grant me the life of infidelity,
grant me endless shame.

please?






cant i feel this way, the friendship i treasure, just lost because of some people, lost because they already lost their own passion, and blame it unto me. but yes, grant me those wish, that i will never turn back, to fight off those anxious moment, where i cannot look in the mirror but somewhere else, i can never forget, that ever being happy, is seeing someone else happy and also, to know that everything went right.



we cold, be bold to let go, this is the time, where getting the best out of things, is to be mean and never to forgive. dont ever look far and expect simple things to happen, people are incapable of doing so.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Saturday, July 05, 2008
10:34 pm

i love my new pair of white shoes. its lovely.



well well. my blog has been so dead lately, havent had much of a time blogging and posting up, training real hard for nationals only to be ended with a disappointment.

i tried to cry out those tears that got stuck in those heavy lids of mine, i was tired, it sort of kills, it sort of gave me an excuse that i wasnt performing. it wasnt totally fine, i was never so insecure in my life when i went to the stadium, i took my painkillers, i took those counterpain rubs, i took the sprays but it wasnt of any use, i felt weak, no strength in my veins to conjure up that strength, i couldnt move my hip, my legs were frozen still and all i could do was to be ashame of myself. nothing went right, and the position i got, i deserved it. i couldnt ask for anything more, defeat stared straight into my eyes as i walked away. this is a lousy year for me. i shouldnt blame anyone else but myself. somehow, nothing can cheer me up, the passion suddenly jus taken away from me just like that. i cant smile, without knowing i did my best, i could blame the injury, was i pushing myself too hard too last minute? everything could only be my fault... i suck thats it.


i hate myself really, i hate myself for not choosing the right things to do. i dont know why. i cant seem to find some happiness in what im doing. i keep those tears inside, i'll be a man, and i tell myself, i lost this final chance, and i'll learn something from it.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Friday, June 20, 2008
11:15 pm

everything is jus coming to me. jus like that. every fucking thing. argh argh. i fucking cannot take it. fuck fuck fuck fuck off every fucking bad thing.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Tuesday, June 03, 2008
11:29 pm

sometimes a little happy light can brighten the day.



mood:sleepy
reason:damn full.



ok. well. hard training hard training. go aaron go! =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Wednesday, May 28, 2008
12:15 am

ohhh my. gym training gym training gym training.

pls be reminded that gym and training are 2 separate words. =)



ok. its gonna be a reallly tiring time of late may/ early june. so YES. better buck up and train hard! =) Nationals is coming and yea, gotta be pretty ambitious down here. AND PLS DONT FORGET TO STUDY, everyone and to myself. anyway. gonna sleep now. then strain everywhere aint helping either. morning training tomorrow and school. and school on thurs and friday. okok. sheesh. sleep sleep. =) i'll blog more tomorrow (today actually) laterrrrs. nights.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Wednesday, May 21, 2008
8:19 pm

and ure another distant memory, locked up and sealed... OUTSIDE MY HEART.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




11:58 am

THIS POST. i dedicate to. 2t33.


well well. my ex class of mine. simply, i jus feel the need to dedicate this post to u guys, well, i meant, to ALL. so let me see how shall i start? by affiliation? or by... hatred? well. i'll jus do it the way everyone likes me to be like. =)

firstly, targeting to those bitches which they themselves know cant keep their mouths shut. maybe just one in particular, but of course, there are many willing to parttake in this ritual, clearly unnecessary. so. some people jus are too bored stuying? so they just have to spread real untruths? even for the case of rumours i know. i dont really need to tell. how much each and one individual are killing each other in class, its humourous, really, its so funny how enemies makes great friends among each other, by the end of days to come, u associate yourselves as "classmates"? hohoho.

secondly, to those who buy up their associates with riches that they do not own, another chuck it seems. this times, its a SHE. shes fatter, while people are getting slimmer, she needs things for herself and will use whatever she has to get what she wants, thus its rather "funny" i say again that she blends in some facade of a friendship shes so contented with. hohoho. well to me, secrets are worth as much of friendships i treasure, i dont sell them for others, especially worthless ones.

in comparison, i just need to let many of you know, the fact that many will read this post, and countless amount of hits, i know. i can tell, sources as well says the same thing too. read this which are going to come up.

people knows the class jus cannot click. people knows that u all are trying to prove everyone elses wrong, especially myself, since last year. its been really difficult and i know why, sometimes, its easier to blame the sole person, in fact, its easier to live the lie than to live with the truth, isnt it? im cool being the easiest to be blamed for any distrupencies that happened in class, hasnt it always been a habit? apparently, i've gotten used to it, and i've learnt to let go being in such an environment, a change of class made me see, that sometimes, u just got to get out of that stucked black hole of yours and feel the difference, and so it is, so significant.

so will this post bring about more pain and hatred? or a real awakening? i wonder reunification of the masses as either due to a certain interest or rather for the ultimate for of others? its dependent too much on self image and real impression base on those POPOULAR figures. but im sorry to say, everything is just like what a frog would see in the well. - simply stated of course.


however there are few, whose own ability to withstand the pressure of being forced to abide by evil means manage to show a clear and distinguished difference. its definitely a much clearer view of everything else, especially when entire views of people will shift towards an equilibrium of biasedness, isnt that what the class people have been living their lives? of the lives of others? amusement of those who are more unfortunate? shooting off their mouths to get the attention they seek? even so, they spread their habits and influence to others beyong the classroom boundaries and form their social group of hot shot talking. amusing, very amusing.

anyway miss fatty and miss skinny, i've derived my own entertainment from you all, its funny how words spread about compatibility, oh great. its fantastic how i get my own fair share of gossips i chose to enclose and see for myself, and u guys just have to prove me right.

esepcially towards the trying, isnt it great to find a scapegoat and a talking point? so was it because of me? hoho. the walls have ears, the wind whispers a little too loudly and echos can be heard from afar. but im most most most amused at one thing, why do these words i hear, always from the same people, whom i detest so much, why has it always been the same peoeple, who has thickskinned elements in them, who are in the topics of disgust that i hear? i'll jus keep hearing and observing, how people kill themselves, slowly.

but for the guys, i guess this time u guys prove the falses the statements made about puberty. showing apathy sometimes has its rewards, certainly it has bore more fruits than jus false statements. with the exception of one, either sly or plain ignorance, indifference or jus disinterested in decisions, i applaud your courage, i applaud your opinions, though some unnecessary, proved vital sometimes, keep it up? your own opinion again im sure of.


so how much more are willing to live comfortably in the facade of their lives, maybe this is jus human behavior, an instinct embedded in us since our births. some chose to be like that while others dont. impressive.



the walls have ears, the winds whispers, and the echoes shrieks from the distance, how low will one stand jus to step up and put themselves above the rest? maybe u just be careful, because u could either be stepping on the foundation of your own comfort, or worse still, stepping on the wrong shoes. =) i'll give a smile, and i hope u understand, some things cannot be said more seriously.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, May 19, 2008
10:05 pm

fallen from grace. i wonder where have i left myself? i must pick myself up again. slowly and very painfully, walking down this lonely road i must.

ignorance [is] bliss.




i msut keep that composure and hard work =)
night study with the guys tomorrow.



life gotta start anew with a new discipline and a new timetable i planned for myself. time to abide by it =)


-off to mugg for h1 chem!





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Tuesday, May 13, 2008
11:18 pm

well this is post 365 for me. well it doesnt represent a year.
i want it to feel different.


im trying my best to make things work out best for everyone, and i cannot please everyone. i really cannot please every single one of my friends out there. sometimes, it really hurts to see someone upset, even someone you hate, u jus give way. and even to those u loved, u jus cant bear to see someone, especially for me, someone on a whole, upset and really down. what can i do? IF I WERE JESUS. what would i do? if. if if. the whole world was full of 'ifs', 'buts', 'donts' and many 'go aheads' but each choice subsequently cause some conflict where it will be impossible to really satisfy everyone and everything else.

such a headache, im jus going to sleep. hopefully, things wil be better some day, this empty feeling, its always been with me, im not happy, i never was i realise.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, May 12, 2008
12:24 am

WELL DONE MANCHESTER UNITED.

CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAD


and europe sooon. =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, May 11, 2008
8:31 am

there are times, where humans have some boundary they cannot cross, especially in their emotions, their spiritual endurance and their mental strength. maybe some have longer constraints than others, while others only have a short fuse. it totally depends what causes the tensions, to test these limitations of each human individual.

"how long can u take it? i dont know, i dont think so anymore" there goes my sign, my own grieviances, well over my last shot.



im tied down, to between my own feelings and my character, i cant leave one to dread, yet alone knowing that some people continuous hurt will relatively be in abundance. fled i ran, a few times, but always believing in some reconciliation, maybe a departure of anger and a few empty promises, things could get better. but couldnt anything go beyong surface value? i wonder, i dont see why and how i can take this pressure of doing everything i can only to be greeted by that face of unhappiness. nothing can possibly make u happy, and when ure happy u forget about me, and do things u want and like without how i feel. it cant happen, we cannot be together and im afraid u know that.

everyday, i look at u, u look sian and unhappy. ask u why its always the "nothing". even as friends u give that sort of attitude. nothing will ever work out, nothing. you need to buck up on yourself, get a freaking hold of yourself. for once, please. dont blame everything on me for making u like that. think abt day one, what makes me so tired of being there for someone who wasnt there for me. in fact, u cant be there for me because of the reactions u have. i was blind, too blind in fact to see anything. i need time now, with those friends of mine, and i know that i cannot be pulled down any longer, i wasnt myself anymore for the past 6-7 months. though the happy times, i know its over long long ago. really. i hope u find ur own happiness somewhere else and i gotta move on with my life and you as well.

dont meet me with sarcarsm, its uncalled for.




this moments i must say, is a great test to me, the A levels, nationals, personal ambitions. its all so tight and really pressurising. honestly, im breaking like no one's business, but im trying to get hold of myself. day by day, each min at a time, i need to set that mode of trying out once again different methods of picking myself up.

i dont need anyone to use me once again, i believe my heart aint no heart anymore. tattered and torn, shattered with scorn, its a heart that cannot trust, a heart that dont believe much, scratched by petty beings and left with marks of ignorance. spite it any further, and i dont know what i've become. i gave up load shits for a single shot, only to lose everything at the very end.
well well, i guess now i will have to do more to catch up with everything else for what i've lost and make up for it. i appreciate every little thing that has happened, lessons learnt and falls that left those little bruises, its worth it. moving on has always been another chapter of my life, little less foolish and a pinch wiser, God, grant me some happiness would ya? thanks.

so for how much i can take? its over and really over. because i cannot take it anymore, maybe the lesson u shuld learn from day one, why live to regret when something u want so badly is either gone or lost? im your living example.

im gonna start things off with a smile, its definitely more lasting.


off to national library to study, hopefully, mugging keeps my mind off things. dont be silly aaron dont be silly, think of nothing else but study.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




12:07 am

ohh its mothers dayyyy. well. gave mum sunflowers =DDD




anyway. TODAY (sunday) is gonna be a freakingly tiring dayyy. gah. gonna chiong national library with jiffsen to study till mid afternoon then tuition. WELL WEL. i guess i gotta start getting used to this life. then next week theres a track meet to take part in. grrrrrrrrrrrr. well. MUGG HARD EVERYONES! =) nights.



eyecandies can taste very sweet. dont u think jonathan? (if u see this)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, May 08, 2008
9:41 pm

i find thes weather bloody humid and rather HOT. kinda making me feeeelin sooo yucky early in the morning.


it feels so clear, that in this summer days, everything has changed.
the scene, the climate, temperature, mindset, even the heart.



i wouldnt, i couldnt, well i shouldnt.



im talkint to myself.
oh harness great efforts to be.. normal?
screw culture,
screw it all.
i have my own beliefs, more or less,
i believed in nothing else,
maybe cept GOD,
myself,
and some little reminaing faith.



shruggs. good nights. hate this freaking world sometimes.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




8:51 pm

ERM. I'LL blog later in an hours timeeee.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Tuesday, May 06, 2008
11:00 pm

I SERIOUSLY AM FEELING SO FUCKED UP.



i dont wanna care anymore. please. i dont want to care. can someone stop me from caring. GOSH PLEASE.




i've tried too many atimes. so i think, i should, well, maybe i could have some rest now.



i want to be happy. can anyone make me really happy? heal these bloody scars and never make me remember them again? another one of my wishful thinking.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, May 04, 2008
10:57 pm

how do u heal a broken heart?


anyone can give me an answer?





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, May 01, 2008
9:10 pm

i dont get it. feeling rather restricted within some barrier. some invisible barrier. gosh. its omgwtf-ing sian. (dont think about it) i feel so horrible, like, everything i do is affecting someone's life. i wanna run away, yet i cant bear to leave a helpless soul behind. i know, its too late to apologise, and i cant accept it that way.

it bears nothing, nothing to be seen, nothing to be compared, and nothing to be ever thought and hoped for. its jus a fruitless effort of reconciliation in which the heart remains stubborn, moving on just seem the right thing to do. funny thing is that the heart can appear so freaking weak, bloody hell, it couldnt get any worse in my opinion in my own case. F*CK.


so everyday passes on like this. i seriously need to snap out of it. no one knows and no one feels, except my own bloody self. haiz. everything is jus getting worse.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Tuesday, April 29, 2008
11:06 pm

GOSH. i have such an ego problem with my own abitions. quiet but im becoming quite radical about it.


10 things im feeling.
1.) PISSED
2.) FRUSTRATED
3.) ANGSTY
4.) ANNOYED
5.) SATISFIED
6.) CHOCOLATE CRAVINGS
7.) PIMPLE HATING
8.) HOMEWORK DREADING
9.) PAIN
10.) CONFUSED



okokok. why why why huh!?!?!?!?!?!
firstly 1, 2, 4, and 9, is due to my injured. PLEASE PLEASE everyone PRAY FOR ME. im such a loser seriously because im big and clumsy and really in need of some miracle to recover in time for sports carnival an a competition coming up on the 17th of May. apparently, its really an occasion where i can test my own abilities. in which matters alot to me especially in my own physical challenge and hope for a better achievement in my tootpicking. BUT ALL THESE PAIN. it jus sucks when the groin pains come back, both sides now, its seriously.. SUCKS. im sososo annoyed! then had a cut on my big toe yesterday. GAHHHHHHHHHHHH PAIN. and today WORSE. i wore this really smaller pair of socks. and it caused my veins in my left feet to swell because it seems to be cramping everything up. GAHHHH! im such a sympathy wanting person. BUT I NEED PRAYERS!!!!! hopefully i recover. i wanna run and walk and erm. move around smoothly. i remembered i was in crutches once. hohoho. dont remind me.


im ANGSTY with my GP teacher. i think she sucks. I HATE her. but well. tolerance. i dont care, i dont give a **** seriously. i jus do what i think will be right and i let ur old self believing blabbering mouth talk all the cock all the world it wants. blah blah blah. (FUXOFF). (shall not say anymore) MRS SNG U JUS SPOIL MY FREAKING DAY.


5 and 6. =) yesyes., IM CRAVING FOR SO MUCH CHOCOLATES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! omg. i eat many many cadbury and van houtan chocolates amany. i think thats why it leads to the ANGSTY (again) and pimple hating factor. its HEATY! i swear, but i love it. maybe its stress ^ ^. excuses ahh aaron.


okok for the homework dreading factor. common in JC life. so anyone who reads this. u guys will totally understand.



CONFUSED EHHH yesyes i am. but i shall leave my thoughts to ponder for awhile. those few moments make me so lost in transition between reality and a "what would be" situation. i guess everything will be fine. (but what is it) shant say too much about it.



my heart needs time to heal,
my heart needs time to feel,
my heart so numb so real,
my heart i believe so frail.

carry on those spite,
of different dimensions of right,
but i promise i'll bear with it,
if u would compromise.

i wouldnt dare,
i wouldnt try,
im scared,
im dried.



i really wouldnt wanna try anymore. that L word. its sacred. only God feels that way towards me. im terribly upset, sigh. i hope that L word goes away from me. far far away. am i hiding? am i running away? i dont know. dont wanan talk abt it. good nights.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, April 28, 2008
11:08 pm

its been pretty hectic, surrounded by the irresponsibilities of many. yet, my enthusiastic attempts became the laughing stock to much of the amusement of others. clear stupidity. to prove a point? jokes aside, when childish behaviour speaks so ill of you. dont try to be funny. it isnt. =)



sometimes, a spark aint enuff to rekindle even the loneliest hearts, where the undefiled few come triumph into darkness, that bright light could only last a moment, maybe a glimpse. but as soon as its gone, it will never come back again, as is disappears faster than you could ever imagine, like everything else, its real.




despite wars, there are times for peace. let it start now, once again.
dont let me play folly please, i dont have much friggin time. good nights.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, April 27, 2008
4:10 pm

cant feel it man. till u get the rewind.






ohhh mrs sng. ure gonna be the biggest bitch i've ever know on this earth if u carry on being like this. and u cant stop the delinquents. they'll jus be in your face.





/edit!

okay im gonna sleeep and yes yes some food for though.

i think star gazing is nice.
i think love takes many tries.
i think gambling is jus plain vice.
i think blue tells the world suffice.



i dont understand this unexplainable feeling, this weary thought. frustrating. complex? *pffft* i wonder how this sounds like. i wish for a fruitful week ahead. i jus want to recover from this injury and hope i can get a good run this friday! 2nd may yay! but no yay! cuz its like MAY. shit la. A's is like.... (not gonna say). gonna keep the lips seals, though the mind keeps running. my thoughts are all fumbled up now. thats all i have to say. good night.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, April 24, 2008
8:37 pm

i dont understand, i really dont at all. nothing gets into my head, nothing, i cant understand human behaviour, its complicating and definitely cruel.



foolish i was, stupid i've become, i'm outplayed, everytime.

in the world where my questions can never be answered,
in my path where each stone left me curious,
why on earth i make so many stupid mistakes,
tearing apart each vein within me, all over again.

why did i believe in trust, trust that i could get,
was it wrong to feel this way?
was it my fault that led to this failure.
curse, curse this seriously bad luck.

its over i know from so long ago,
but i knew i kept trying,
i tried another method,
but, i guess i was too practical.

i dont feel like moving,
neither do i feel, like i can take it,
its so numb, yet so painful,
i hate it.






i dont wanna think anymore, really, i jus have to suck everything in and tell myself to be more careful in future, i really dont deserve this, from the very beginning, if only u had a mirror to look into it yourself, u may know how i feel. this is the one of the worst moments of my life, i jus have to carry on.




School is tiring, im really trying to study and put in a little more effort each time, but im struggling and struggling and struggling. anyone wanna study with me? haha. i feel like i've lost many things, the much sacrifices i've made. i realise im not myself, i wasnt myself, i was too serious too soon, too serious for someone who didnt really know my real intentions. its a bloody was of time, and i must get back that time. i have my priorities now, i hope, i can get everything back on track and running, hopefully once again, i can see the sun and smile to myself and say, "im really happy."

why is my table getting all sorts of drawings and liquid paper!?!?!?!?!? gahhhh. history week, pls past fast, i nid to get on with other subjects, im dying for math and chem. argh.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, April 20, 2008
11:51 am

ohhh boy! everyone seems to be getting some sort of injuries somehow. vincent got a bad hamstring, francis got a little archilles problem as well as me. the shoulders hurting and the groin is hurting again. i guess tough trainings also meant that we should learn some physiotherapy ourselves. gahhhh. i hope everything goes well. lucky the javelin event today is postponed to about a month time. my distance is horrid! nothing more than 42 metres and consistantly at the 38 metre mark. this is bad. real bad. i guess its time of the year to shrug the pain away! train with the pain, isnt that what sportsman must live up with all the time?

glad that i've gone jogging today, it feels great, moving those legs. i wonder that abrupt weight loss with the help of those raw oysters, it made me lost so much strength. mentally, it affected me, physically, it makes me feel like, i've to start all over again. its difficult when its throwing, its the strength thats so hard to develop, and when u lose it, its harder to get it back than running of long distance. sucks i swear.

okok, so intensely, its gonna be more physical workout through games, some endurance training so i can last longer in trainings, building up muscular endurance so as to perform more consistently for a longer period of time. and of course, back to the gym which seems so foreign to me now.

OH YES, the weather is pretty bad nowadays, its like either damn freaking HOT (rarely) or raining during training periods. it sucks. really bad though. and im looking forward to sports carnival! hahahaha. its like some R&R thingy, play games and run. i think its fun. maybe i jus nid to play more to lose more weight and look better. but i still think, if anyone were to see me last time, u'll all laugh ur asses off.



okay so everyone please recover soon mates, vincent especially. and GOD BLESS MY history assignment that im gonna start in 10 minutes time..... =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, April 17, 2008
10:14 pm

im so pissed with myself. im not happpy. im trying im trying im trying. till its so numb, till it feels like im ruining my life.


im trying almost everyday, each time to keep on trying and trying this stupid password, but i cant, i cant, i hate myself, its so bloody stressful. i really am trying, i feel stupid, i feel so pressured. i reall cannot take it anymore, i jus wanna be happy. i cant. i cant anymore. im stupid, my mistakes, everything. im so pissed, fuck la, dont wanna forgive me then forget it, im jus so useless.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, April 13, 2008
11:58 pm

im distraught. im distraught.... i cant remember.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




10:03 pm

i hate myself. for losing frustration. leave me be. im sorry. why must emotions be so complicating? i did something stupid to hurt u.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




5:43 pm

everyone was right abt u, i shouldnt have believed in you. i should have trusted my friends instead.



so girls are jus out to have some fun? why are all of them the same? out to cheat and make use of? i hate sore losers who dont admit their mistakes, to always be sacarstic and unforgiving, not being able to understand and feel for the other, unable to compromise and sacrifice. i cant. i realy cant. i dont wanna live a lie. i have to move on. and so i will.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, March 13, 2008
11:38 pm

love comes in different ways. and different ways to show it. and i know, this is the best way for us. =) u'll always have a place in my heart. everyone has as well. if only we can put pride before on the ground, we'll be able to see it.


its great. i know it will be.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, March 10, 2008
8:19 am

theres more than the stars in the sky to shine, that is the impossible reach of the far ends of the universe. we left the red horizen, feeling lost and empty, feeling what had happened to go wrong this way, yet we also understood the situation, where the outcome is inevitable. we could see it coming, but never wanted it, in the end, its a matter of a million heartaches, for jus a single soul. this is your first struggle, but my amany. its not about immunity or complacency, but of deepened scar. for pain wakes the sleeping giant within, bringing out a a whole new dimension of reality and feelings. cruel and heartless i may seem, but hate me for that, hate me for this time for bringing everything to an end, abruptly you may say, but thats in your point of view. whatever you may say again, but if you truely felt the pains of loving, you'll smile instead and wont be living a life of materialistic denial.

today would haf been fantastic five, a whole new world and a whole new drive, but yet im stating the impossible. no matter what, i know how it feels like, to think that everything is gone before you, to think that everything has ran before you, and to think that everything dont feel as right. maybe u just had to feel it, to appreciate me more, but also, you may not feel a thing due to you difficulty to do so. curse me or swear upon my name, i know this destruction will bring an abundance of burning hatred in you, apparently, your ignorance doesnt see it like everyone see so. rage rage rage and more rage, if u feel like hitting something, if you feel like screaming out loud, if you feel so lost and desponded, welcome to how i felt, when i loved an cared a little more, for sometimes, love is found when u realise you lost it.

something for you...



sweet indulgance for the bitter times,
satisfactory always seem so distant,
its always good to feel love,
has it been great to love instead?

lessons may have to be learnt painfully,
for similar hardships have to be beared.
it wasnt about a vengeful spite,
but jus a little more than a deadful ache.

i pray to my angel,
to send god a request,
but albiet my efforts,
it was to no avail.

then i realise that he replied me,
brought me to my feet once again.
told me that, i had to love myself,
and find myself a path, alone.

you may seem like the most impacted,
and tears refuse to make you lonely.
please dont, please dont,
for believe in the last few words i've said.

this dream i held so tightly,
shattered before my very eyes,
why?
due to the decisions of the fragmented heart.

everything will never be the same,
but you have to know,
it was out of desperation,
to save a bond forged for a lifetime.

somewhere, sometime, somehow,
we need that little faith to see,
how much patience we have come to thee,
and you'll know, youre being loved.




have a great day, my special someone, life is jus going on, like it has to.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, March 09, 2008
10:26 pm

in fact its a day before a significant 5th,
the giant fell, broke his nose and laughed,
i guess it was worth the fall,
because the next step could have been more fatal.



today has been super slack, actually, its more of sleeping and playing games, cuz tomorrow its gona me muggggggerism plus studddddyism and trrraingingingigning! obviously i dont like to push myself, nah... thats a lie.


why throw tandrums when we are not satisfied? or why do we show our temper when we are in contentment. its foolish and really stupid, to criticise those false judgement of ours, especially when we had so much faith in one another. oh glory to those not of lesser status, i beseech that u grant me jus a little more perseverance. thats sufficient i guess.



"drive the wicked to the grave,
but a sinner could be forgiven,
even it was at his very deathbed,
cleanse but not is original sin.

mother bears the child from dust,
in gloom and despair the world he face's a must,
was it a blessing we get to live,
or a curse we face till death deceive.

satan reign i know is only temporary,
hate is his only weapon,
for our sins strengthens his armour,
wretched souls like us his victims."






we are so young, we wont ever grow old, let love live itself, through the different ways we perceive it to be.
tomorrow will be a new day, there'll be love out there, dont nid to open your eyes, just open that lil heart of yours.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, March 06, 2008
11:59 pm

well well. numb.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, February 24, 2008
10:47 pm

havent blogged in a kazillion ages.
pffffft. life stinks.

-end of post-





okay get things more real here, well, school is getting more onto my nerves now, its like im being held captive, both body and soul, neither divided nor part, both in unision. oh sorrow please go away, for u i never wanted you to stay.

apparently, much have happened, much have been felt, gone thru, decided, pondered upon, whatever it has been like. it has.





"it was never so strict,
or was it so restricting?
over those silly statements and misunderstandings,
sleepless nights over wrongs of rights.

but i always remember then,
self sacrificing meant an action of forgiveness,
humility and grace,
but theres something i see, something else.

i couldnt,
i wasnt the perfect man for the job,
but it was never a duty,
just to be a better man.

written all over my face,
an expression so vague,
all i could show was sincerity,
those scars unamended.

so was it about giving you room to breathe?
or was it when the ropes were held too tight?
was it revenge?
or was it fate like this?

answers i sought till today,
questions in the end was bought.
broken moments jus doesnt make my day,
sigh, nothin else i could say.

i jus want to feel that special feeling,
please,
and i know ure the only one baby,
i love you, now thats for me to say."





gonna sleep now.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Wednesday, January 09, 2008
10:22 pm

=) my thoughts my memories. 3 months will be 3 years and it will be 3 decades and to inifinity, it will be. so now now wongminhang baby =) sit down and listen tight <3


its been a great 3 months



i wish there was something inside me,
to keep you right beside me,
it made me felt that i should haf told you
that i should have told u everything.

and i didnt regret, this very moment,
about 3 months ago,
and i hoped for more than the sounds ot rustle
my thoughts they filled and they muscle.

no one can ever take your place,
because i felt that i've started this race,
where it be simple or not,
the complications inevitable we sort.

i feel like the skies darken without any light,
and i wish i can make it bright for you,
like how sarcastic i was to die for you,
what if those words i meant so true?

and we may feel like its broken,
or without will to compromise,
but would u let me in once again?
so that i can rekindle that spark to flame.

so its all about igniting that spirit,
where we once was so in love,
and i try so hard to make u mine,
wondering whether is that the solution?

but im not content to make this a memory,
to hold us so tight in slavery,
but i try once again i said,
ever so faithful ever so hard.

so i see the shadows that live with us,
our actions which are always imitated,
our sins which commit may be forgiven,
but all we needed was some time right?

deep inside a battle is being fought,
sinking slowly, miserably and terribly,
conscience sucking itself dry,
where pain never subsides at all.

but u know what i mean when we are put to the test,
even so the matter may not even rest,
my love never ever gone one down less,
because baby girl in my eyes ure the best.

so ever i felt like being dragged down,
or feel like giving up,
thats only normal and expected of us,
and obstacles which obstruct our way.

so now i close my eyes and think of you,
and i see you for who you are,
and when ure all alone and not with me,
trust that i'll be your superman baby.

so here goes my heart content...


so i jus want to let you know,
that it doesnt matter so much,
to whatever happens to me,
let me be your hero.

let me take this step,
to show that i will work even harder,
to push myself to my limits,
to know that sincerity will win over all.

so let me sing u this song,
which lyrics may see some heartaches,
but i believe in fairytale endings,
definitely happy endings.

so i can take this responsibility,
and further this commitment,
and i will take it a step further,
nothing else you know bother.

and i remember now,
like what was before we got together,
i've already loved u all along,
and i promised not to let you down.

and when those tears falls right now,
it left my heart with nothing else to say,
but if only sorry was the words i would say,
it was because i was so afraid.

i love those lovely kisses,
even so the times it hurts when i got bitten,
but it speaks of the sweet imperfection,
that exists in love.

so i'll hold u closely,
and kiss u so tenderly,
oh my sweet baby,
would you do the same too?

let me tell you this again,
because its all this that matters to me now,
no matter what happens,
where emotions rage in fury.

or even when depression kicks in,
or the breakdowns which left scars,
even so when sorrow strikes,
or temper flew.

words are words to say what human nature cant comprehend,
to misunderstand aint no common mistake,
because baby ure aint no mistake to me,
i love you dearly, for eternity.




happy 3 months =) every 10th goes treasured.



i wish u knew how much u mean to me
if i ever will make a difference,
because i wish i'd,
and not only now but in the future as well.
u mean everything to me,
how i wish i know how i can show it.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, December 23, 2007
8:34 am

have been real busy guysss. sorrry!







a note to myself.

sometimes i wonder what i've done wrong, but i was certain to an extent i've did my best. it was always my fault to begin with. truthfully, i dont know how to go on anymore. the scene now is rather skeptical. everything i do, it seems like nothing can be accepted.

cant you change for the better? cant i say how i feel. maybe in fact, its more scary to tell u how i feel because u will change negatively for the rest of the day. but this isnt suppose to be like that. i wonder why. why must u sulk and show that attitude? it hurts so badly. but what can i say, showing ur temper made things worse and leads to a quarrel that u dont like. so whose fault is it to begin anyway? mine? well. if u always say so. i always take the blame. sigh.

i wanna hold on, i dont know why, but why must u do this to me? its no use saying anything else, everything is jus noise to ur ears it seems. forget it





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, November 29, 2007
10:24 pm

hey peeps. wont be blogging much for the rest of this month and very early next month. well..

feeling pretty moody i guess. but it will be fine sooner or later yeah.


i hope time flies. feeling the pain and hurt now, its enough. come back sooon





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Friday, November 16, 2007
8:27 am

its frustrating to know that u can do the questions for the math sup paper. but its like something is missing in the question that deprives u from getting that final equation for tht mark. i only think i deserve to minus the most 15 complete marks. because theres so little time to pump in my math knowledge. however it feels so screwed up sometimes, knowing that there is so much to do. but the rest, i could do it, surprisingly yes. but i guess confusion sets in sometimes and setbacks like this will prevent u to get your full marks. bleah.


now i look at it, those once easy questions in other school papers were made so difficult. i was shocked and pretty stunned when i couldnt do and blamed no one else but me for not doing those questions too much. all i need is 45 out of 100. sounds like a simple chore. thats whats everything is most scary about. i really hate it when u tried so hard and dont get the result. but i know i must do wel in it. 3pm today, the results will be out, it will be heartbreaking to see those results. but i want to be relieved instead and enjoy my holiday. like i see it this way, whats over is over, and all i can look forward now, is today and tomorrow and what comes after and what lies in the future.


im glad i've got you by my side, and i hope i make everyday like it was my last. =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Wednesday, November 14, 2007
8:40 am

sorry peeps for not bloggging ehhh. have been really busy with CIP and mugging for sup paper. wells. i will update after tomorrow! =)

it feels like the sup paper more important than the 4 papers in promos. HAHAHAHA.



owellls. gotta head down to school now. BYEBYE!


<3 thanks sweets for the breakfast later =)





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, November 05, 2007
10:56 pm

im beginning to feel rather empty. its like PW IS OVER. relieve. but no stress. i mean. well. no work, i wish the days are more meainingful. its those expectations of the world feeling? luckily i had u by my side. =) i had a good nap today. i did.


oh and pls cook for me more often, it tastes great. really. =)




PW IS OVERRRR! CHINESE IS OVERARRRR! now its math sup paper. okay. mercy i tell you. mercy. mugg hard pass it and go on. mugg hard somemore so next year, can relllaxxxxx la dey =) sleep sleep. its tiring and really reallyl sleeepishhhing.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




12:45 am

dont ever pls. dont do that again.



dont leave me. never ever. please.
it hurts sometimes it hurts many times. it hurts forever.
but i will never give up.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Friday, November 02, 2007
11:02 pm

sigh it gotta be hard to control sometimes.


its some management in those insecurities based on trust and insignificantly based on that hopping bean that lay dead on the table. "grow grow" showers or sprinklers shall bring it to life. cold and still, it laid, still unmoved by anyone's actions. what to do, its just a bean that has always been. dont make sense? what ever makes sense if we choose to remain our own own perceptions, or rather, we remain simply stubborn to our pt of views. irritable? questionable.



i wish i can get the trust over her,
to let her know i aint no ordinary typical,
that i wont be just something stagnent,
but always proving myself.

but whats for show aint for real,
whats for real is the show,
complicating matters somehow,
we'll take it slowly with a bow.

accepting defeat aint the early task,
for i shall understand the lowly rumble,
where the supreme class shall slowly crumble,
can she see it in me, just me?

so wold straight As get u somewhere,
or rather achievements in another field,
what impresses to those who judge,
i aint judgemental, oh totally not.

hold thy hands into the air,
praying for that miracle,
praying for that blessed grace,
or it will be another nightmare.

carefully we come undone,
secretly we hide a plot,
only two you say it shall be,
anything more we wont accept within.

just you and me,
heck what everyone's will say,
it doesnt matter anymore,
just u and me forevermore.




hard to please me aye? its simply... those actions that makes the difference. appreciation takes time to accomodate self giving-ness, hope for the best then i shall say to myself, hope for the best.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, November 01, 2007
11:36 pm

so much to do so much to worry abt. chinese is over. now left PW's OP and sup paper. gosh. im really very worried. i guess i gotta pull thru.



the anxiety is feeling over me now, each moment tears my insecurities into two, however its like bacteria and parasite, it spreads viciously, but no matter what, that love jus likes to play immune to it.


i hope everything will be fine, god i pray, pls. i do and i know it, please answer those prayers of hope and faith, i gave myself one chance, why cant u lord. please.


okok i shall sleep very soon, and im tired. but i must wait and stay vigilant, i need to hear from you soon my dear.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Saturday, October 27, 2007
11:38 pm

its been awhile since i really blogged, well, have been really busy.

its really been full of ups and downs, its really disappointing and upsetting sometimes but sometimes it felt happier and full of smiles. i wonder why such a past will kill your faith now, its entirely disgusting of me, bear with me awhile okays. =)



i feel so sick sometimes, wondering why i deserve these hardships. it felt that i've been waiting so assure myself so much that new and harsher problems comes up to make matters worse. i cant possibly count everything as a blessing in disguise. i dont think its possible, it makes it seemed really disappointing now that i've to bear with even more problems in this life of mine. so much to think about and many more to worry. why have i have to be so young. its really disappointing that my efforts go to waste sometimes, but not regretted i believe that oine day i will be rewarded greatly. sometimes i felt like im on cloud nine, sometime its worse than hell, but why? why must i get to this stage of it all? havent i suffered so much already? i guess its life this way, but soon please, god, please, appease me soul. soon. please.

u cant complain forever, and doing something about it is more important, but it does seems that i need to trust in my own way, matters would be better, but all i need is to know what is going on all the time, thats all.




math paper math paper. but wait! PW AND CHINESE As stand in the way. okay. aaron be a good boy and pls survive well. 2 more days to the chinese paper and 9 more to the OP. great. and and and hmmmm 15+4. gosh 19 more days to math paper. OKOKOKOK NEED TO MUG BYEBYE





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Thursday, October 25, 2007
11:41 pm

i hate that old hag in school. shes a bitch. she speaks chinese. and shes going yun nan. old hag. i tel u now. i curse ur whole family and ur descendants, well if u have them anyway. die a horrible death.


and seriously. its a fucked up life.

i guess 8 days will be forever. i wasnt naggy when i kept asking u to think abt it, because, i knew this would happen.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Monday, October 22, 2007
10:05 pm

to care to share to what we perceive our own darkest hour we commence what we believe in.



oh dear boy of satan, denounce you shall for thee,
you will never succeed for thy servant shall see,
the works of wonders and the almighty,
blessed thou who have faith, for they shall be saved.




so if u wonder if this shall be my weakness placed in words for you to read, let me say that it may be. for those who ponder upon my daily life where i shall depict my actions into words for the deprived, so that does show you even bother to give a freaking damn about it. im appalled by this controversial behaviour. lose your cool and frustrate the steam within you, it'll only make you a better person in time to come. and theres no limit to how far you can go, but theres a limit to how much you may endure, we are only human, though we chose to believe that we are not. tricky eh? what if the simplest things we let go have been forgiven and unforseen, dont we realise that we trial so much in our lives to make up for what we couldnt do? believe in yourself a little, maybe God will understand why, for the wise seeks and the fool shall be satisfied, neither is approach the understatement of the truth you seek, but eventually, ure just condemning your own faith. sorry boy, you tried to get me figured out, but ure just losing it, only time will tell, and you know it more than i do. thats when you realise, theres nothing else, but a little humility and not acting cool. thats the difference, we know the motives, its stated clear, mend your ways, or face the consequences. the spiriit refuses to acknowledge much, reason is, you cant handle more than you ask for. think about it, i know you will. =)







dear juliet, romeo wont wait longer,
give the kiss that he wants so badly,
grant the wish he demands so sadly,
but for that, dont live to regret.

he wont,
she wont,
they wont,
so who will?

dont just sit and hold ur breath,
waiting for the sun to shine again,
you might just be a nightfall too late,
that of course was discussed and said.

live to love and love to learn,
love aint exactly getting you into bed,
whats more with passion without love?
trust me genuinly.

i speak from mere innocence,
like a child who would not falter,
unlike the adult with his own theories,
endless possibilites shed no answers.

so i came to you,
true to myself,
and i believe the very least,
this decision was not a mistake.



you make me smile everyday, yet we may face certain obstacles along the way, jaded we may feel, thats how we got stronger daily.





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Sunday, October 21, 2007
12:15 pm

omg. pw sucks la. sup paper sucks also.

gotta mug hard for chinese As and Mathematics supplementary paper. i feel like im gonna fail again which i cannot afford to. i hope they set a moderate paper. i reallly need to go up.


and PW. gosh. its time consuming and brain cracking. its a nutshell not to be messed with. owells. now im at victoria's place with the grp ppl. please GOD, please, may we get our act on and work done.




i hope we wont be seperated for that 8 days. i cant take it





;
breaking free to something new. =)




Friday, October 19, 2007
7:33 pm

its such a fucked up life. ohwells.


i dont like to hear those silence anymore, please, open what i sought, i dont have much time left inside, im reallly running dry, cuz im giving everything i've got.



and now im still waiting... waiting for u to come online as usual. owells. im seriously frustrated, disappointed, demoralised, numb, espcially numb. and it sucks like seriously. it taking such a toil on me with such feelings i dont wanna feel. why do i feel this way? i question myself why, and why i shall keep questioning myself. i feel like im going thru is all alone. those time i spent trying to make it work, was it all in vain?


im beginning to wonder what am i running on now? my last ounce of blood left in my heart? or is it just the last strand of faith i had in me. its really running so thin right now. do something to salvage it, i dont have much time left. dont expect much, because i think i've gave enough, fill me in this time, please, give me the strength instead, and i swear i'll be up and better again. hopefully.




fucked up china trip. bitching that the j2s are going as well. bunch of motherfuckers. i swear, ure spoiling my day entirely now, fuckers, and if the teachers are discriminating those whose chinese aint good, then please, fuck off.





it was never a win win situation. things wont work out for this event. all i can do it, to pray, that i can hold on. hopefully.





;
breaking free to something new. =)